Thứ Năm, 31 tháng 5, 2012

Thứ Tư, 30 tháng 5, 2012

i want more

via weheartit
ph: weheartit

I don’t know why.

Why I was so foolish to have fallen for the fairytale.

I have foolishly fallen in love with a man who cannot love me the way I deserve to be loved.

But what I deserve is so grand, I wonder if any man will ever be able to pull it off.

Not without great confidence… and passion, that’s for sure.

Why aren’t you that man? You told me you could be.

You held that confidence once. But where was the passion?

Where was that passion? Was it ever there? Does it even matter to you?

I don’t know why.

Why I believed you.

That you were “in it to win it”.

But you pictured your future with me. Didn’t you?

Was it as beautiful as I imagined it could be?

I want you to fight for us. I want you to come running with grand gestures. I want you to have passion and love and a determined commitment to the concept of “us” – as best friends, as lovers, as partners, as a whole new entity that moves together.

I want you to kiss me from the bottom of your heart and tell me that you will never leave me. That you will always fight for us. Because you believe in us. That we have something special that transcends any challenge that comes our way. I want you to be my fantasy.

I want you to be the man that sweeps me off my feet. I want you to be the man that I can trust to hold my hand, my heart, and my soul. The man I want to raise children with. I want to let our egos go and just fall into each other’s arms. I want to feel like you never want to let me go.

I want more than what you are willing to give.

I don’t know why.

Thứ Ba, 29 tháng 5, 2012

i want to tell you...

DAKOTA SKYE


I want to tell you that I like you.
But I can't tell you that, can I?
I want to tell you to forget about him.
He's a great guy, the best,
and he's my brother
in everything but blood,
and you two are good together,
but I still want to tell you
to tell him to fuck off
and to be with me.
I want to tell you
that since the moment I met you
I can't even get your face
out of my brain.
But I can't tell you that,
that all I want right now
in the world
is to take you away with me.
No him, no here, no this.
Just us.
If just for a day. You know?
But I can't tell you that.
I mean, you can't make me.
I mean, what kind
of a person would I be
if I went and told you
something like that?

Thứ Hai, 28 tháng 5, 2012

Thứ Sáu, 25 tháng 5, 2012

i can never tell you this

via just john flickr, http://www.flickr.com/photos/just-john/5971209450/in/pool-1453938@N24/
ph: Just John

This is not an ordinary love story; in fact it’s just a story about a different love. I need to share this with someone, because it’s very close to my heart, and something the people around me wouldn’t understand.

We met each other in the middle of the world. We came from two different parts of the world, and we were literally each other’s contradictions. You, with your gorgeous dark hair and cute Spanish accent, and me with my snow-white skin and blue eyes. The first time I saw you, you fascinated me. It was your positivity and the way you saw life as one big opportunity. You were older than me, but yet we were on the same wavelength. We were both far away from home; living in a foreign country, struggling with a new language and having the adventure of our lives.

As I got to know you, we turned out to be the same. We liked the same music, read the same blogs, quoted the same movies and I felt like I could finally be myself with someone. We would be together every day, and have long conversations at night. We would go shopping and spent hours in book shops just looking at books and talking. At parties you would always be my date and make sure that I got home safe. Even when some guys were being unpleasant around me, you would protect me and make it all good again. You told me how beautiful and perfect I was, and your adorable smile would always cheer me up.

When life got difficult, we would be there for each other, and it would all be alright. We would go out for coffee and make fun of our terrible Italian, and somehow we always managed. We went traveling together and you showed me the world. I found myself thinking about life and the future, something that had never crossed my mind before.

I realized that I cared a lot for you, more than I originally had planned. I have never laughed as much as I did with you. You made me feel like something special and I was proud to be with you. People around us would ask a billion questions and tell us, that we were a cute couple. I would just laugh and tell them, that we were just really close. After Christmas you started behaving differently. You told me that we had to talk about something important, but unfortunately I got seriously sick, so I didn’t see you for a long time. One evening we finally got together in a park and we sat down. You told me, that you had wanted to tell me something for a long time, but we haven’t had the time. I don’t know what I had expected, but it came as a huge surprise, when you told me that you were homosexual. I was happy for you though and we talked a lot about it. It made us even closer and I supported you with all my heart; nothing had changed between us.

It wasn’t until one night, when I was talking to a friend, that I had some kind of revelation. My friend turned to me and said. “You know, he loves you very much, we can all see it”. And then it hit me. I loved him too, but not just as my best friend. I loved him so much more and there was no way something could ever happen between the two of us. I hadn’t realized it before, but now it was obvious. I didn’t say anything to her; I just smiled and changed the subject. I can never tell you this, mostly because I’m afraid of losing you. I don’t believe in soul mates, but I believe that you and I were determined to meet. You are the most amazing guy I have ever met and you will always mean the world to me.

Yours always

-L

Thứ Năm, 24 tháng 5, 2012

Thứ Tư, 23 tháng 5, 2012

i wasn't brave enough

TSR
ph: Jennifer Cox

I met you 2007. Who would have known that it was going to be that random incident that would send me into the wildest rollercoaster ride of my life.

I saw you from across the room and I was immediately drawn to you. I knew that I had to meet you...so I came up to you and your friend. The night dragged on and we were even supposed to finish that bottle of red at your place. We eventually exchanged numbers and a few messages were exchanged after that. It was always like that with you...there were those little surprises. I remember a time you texted me about how you saw me as walked down the street...I remember that made me giggle like a little girl. Then there was that time you helped me with that huge container of water I was unloading from the car. There were those times I would text you to drag you out of your "shoebox", you used to call your place that, just so you could keep me company while I waited for my brother. I remember you'd be watching Lord of the Rings at home cause you weren't watching regular tv then. We'd just sit out on the curb and have cigarettes and a Coke. You even accompanied me to the corner to get a cab a couple of times. Those times we were out on your street we would talk about everything. You always made me laugh and you always gave me sound advice.

Then the next thing I know I am waking up next to you and the first thing you say is "I love you." I still don't know if I was hallucinating that early morning...it was the day of Christmas eve after all and I was still feeling heady from everything that happened. I woke up bewildered and giddy...but I knew I did something wrong. I said something the night before that I would regret.

Then I started seeing you more often. No more clandestine meetings on the sidewalk. Sometimes you'd come to the shop & I liked that a lot. You'd come in with your backpack, sometimes with a little scowl on your face and I'd make you your coffee. I always liked making you your coffee. We'd sit in the shop and you'd show me what you were working on. You'd just be there in your own little spot if I were busy and I'd run to you any free minute I had. We talked some more. Then I'd come home to you...slowly creeping into bed just so I could hug you from behind and feel your warm body against mine. Sometimes I'd make a racket when I got home and you'd wake up all grumpy with a closed fist aimed at me. Then in the morning we'd have coffee and talk while I hugged your right leg which was on my lap. Then you'd get ready for work while I took my time. I stayed at your place so often that it feels like home.

You took care of me when I was sick. You bathed me. You hugged me as I slept. You rubbed my ankle when I twisted it. You cuddled me when I was awake. You'd rub my feet to keep me warm. Pat my back when my tummy was painful. You saved me from depression. You held my hand when I was scared and told me to be strong when I was weak. You fed me with your fingers. You hugged me from behind as I prepared our food or coffee. You held me when I cried.

Things weren't always happy though. There were a lot of lies, a lot of sex with a bunch of other women. When I grew weary of your lying & sleeping around I ended up having my own lies too.

We should have talked about our plans. Fooling around should never been an option. Lying should never have been so common. Our lies hurt each other so much.

Then after over a year of seeing each other, you asked me what I wanted to do. I said I wanted to be a Mom and take care of our kids. I wanted to be a wife to someone who wanted me as a wife...I wanted to be your wife. You never told me your plans about us. You never seemed like you wanted to change...

So I was in a rush and you weren't saying anything and you were still enjoying the whole fucking around thing. So I said Yes to someone else. Then you tell me that I am the only one you want in your life.

But I was scared and played it safe. I didn't back out. I made a mistake and I will live the rest of my life living in that mistake. I was never brave. I was never much. Now I am nothing,

I am sorry I wasn't brave enough. You deserve so much better.

I am going to miss you with every heartbeat.

____________
ps- Don't forget- Shopbop's MAJOR sale ends today! Check it out HERE.

Thứ Ba, 22 tháng 5, 2012

Thứ Hai, 21 tháng 5, 2012

i am still intoxicated by you

fairy tale about a gold fish
ph: Laura Makabresku

I am writing this to you in case I get over it. I don't trust myself to hold on properly through all my insecurity.

I don't know if I have been in love before. It was never mutual whatever it was, it hurt me badly and I was only fifteen. A few years on and I'm almost certain I am falling in love with you. It's ridiculous, I don't know you much at all, I don't know what it feels like to hold you or kiss you, but I want to. More than anything else in the world. I go to sleep thinking about you, I wake up thinking about you. I have to stop myself filling all the spaces in between with thoughts of you too, because it cripples me that you probably don't feel anything even nearly the same for me.

Even though this is one of the most confidence shattering experiences of my life so far, I am so glad I met you. It doesn't matter that I can't believe what you tell me, it doesn't matter that I ruin it all by getting jealous of the other prettier, less complicated girls in your life, you have still made me the happiest I can ever remember being, even if it was only for a few hours at a time. You amaze me, truly. You are so clever, strong and insightful, regardless of how you feel about yourself. I know you're insecure, but I think you are beautiful. You are everything you should be, I wish you could believe me, like you want me to believe you.

I know I am clinging. Clinging to something other people, even you, would probably perceive as nothing. I know its because I am so desperate for someone to fix me, to want to fix me. I have probably built this all up so far I can barely see what's actually happening anymore. Maybe I'm simply infatuated by the idea of you; what you could mean to me. Regardless, this is still how I feel, I am still intoxicated by you.

for the love of fashion...

Photobucket

I know this is quite random, but I figured I would take a moment to share that Shopbop has a big sale going on until Wednesday! I know some of you are fashion addicts like me + this is one of the best sales of the year- check out my top picks from the site over on my fashion blog >> Le Fashion.

Happy Shopping!

x

Chủ Nhật, 20 tháng 5, 2012

unseen tides

l'arte del sogno
via weheartit
ph: Viola Cangi | weheartit

Thứ Bảy, 19 tháng 5, 2012

i ought to feel remorse

Untitled
ph: Seren Coşkun

Anna and I have lived together for a week. It is everything I ever thought it would be. And more.

Nobody apart from our very closest friends knows we are together. Most of them weren't really "our" friends. They were our own individual friends. We both have other friends we'd like to see together but we aren't sure that they're ready for it yet. Anna and I are ready - but the friends knew us when we were with our spouses - and they're still coming to terms with the end of our respective marriages.

I worry that we might never be accepted. For somebody who has built a career on being able to tell people unpleasant truths these are uncharted waters for me. I stopped caring what people thought of me a very long time ago. Now I worry about what people will think of Anna.

We live in a goldfish bowl. Dubai is a city of 1.8 million people. But we live in a tiny subset of that population. Western, educated, and wealthy.

Of course I've known people who've been through similar experiences. But, almost without exception, these have been people swapping a western wife for a younger Asian woman. Some of these people, depending on how they fit into your social or work circle are ostracised. Others are tolerated - but they are discussed, disseminated, and mostly sneered at behind their backs.

I thought I would be able to shout about Anna from the roof. But I realise I can't. For Anna's sake.

This finally brings me on to what I intended to write about.

I don't think I'm a bad person. Of course, nobody thinks they are a bad person. Hitler probably didn't think he was a bad person.

And yet...

The list of people I've caused pain stretches for miles.

My wife.

My daughters

Anna's husband

Anna's parents

Our friends

I'm truly sorry I caused all these people pain. I feel ashamed of the hurt I've caused these people.

But what I don't feel is remorse. I don't feel remorse because if all these people getting hurt was the only way that Anna and I could be together then I feel like it was worth it.

I'm not really sure what the definition of a sociopath is but I have a feeling it's something to do with this.

I think I ought to feel remorse. I'm sorry. I don't.

Thứ Sáu, 18 tháng 5, 2012

that one person

via weheartit, http://weheartit.com/entry/16154372/via/aquelapaz
love quote no matter how serious life gets you still gotta have that one person you can be completely stupid with
ph: weheartit | unknown

Thứ Năm, 17 tháng 5, 2012

despite

via weheartit, http://weheartit.com/entry/14631710
ph: weheartit

Despite the cheating, lies and the way things didn't work out, I still love you for who you are, and whether you willingly admit it, I know there is a place in your heart for me. You lock it away and sometimes disregard it, its not enough to reject other women by, but it's enough to remember me by. Even though I'm not always there, and the intricate hardships that complicate my life, are not your burden to carry. I feel like you see my pain, and have a subtle yet distinct way of loving me, which brightens my day when I'm feeling low. You warm my heart when you tell me I am beautiful, and although it's not openly said, their is a kind of love that ties us together, but equally drags us apart. It's a safe kind of love, one that can be intercepted or temporarily forgotten. But that can always be redeemed and replenished. You are a beautiful mistake to me, and I know you think I don't see it. Your beauty and kind soul, but I see it more than anyone. And feel like you have the right to know. I never am open about my thoughts and the things that I keep locked away, are often for good reasons. But you are that beautiful someone, who to me, despite relationships, distractions or consequence, have a place in my heart, and I love you for the person that you are. I won't ever ask for your forever, or even a functional relationship. You and I work differently to that, and at the moment, at this stage in life, where we both are, it somehow works. Amongst the mess of uncomplicating everything that is thrown at us, we are eternally together. And if for some reason, if one day you do meet that someone who fulfills you, and I am replaced, At least I told you what was real for me and all your worth. I will regret missing you.

Thứ Tư, 16 tháng 5, 2012

Thứ Ba, 15 tháng 5, 2012

love changes everything

sunset with Sandra
ph: Laura Makabresku

when i was young, i used to think i wasn't like any of the other girls around me and i could prove it too. i would wear pants when skirts were called for, i would chase bugs when the others screamed, i hated eating dessert (and still do) and i always always thought i would never let love get the better of me.

i was always under the impression that when i fell in love, i would not lose my independence. i would not be needy and clingy and insecure, i would be strong and tough and not let a boy get in the way of how i lived my life. i had a very clear vision of what kind of relationship i wanted and i set about looking for the exact same thing i had in my mind.

then i met you. and i loved you. a concept that was foreign to me. you told me that you liked me because i was different, i was independent, that i wasn't a girly girl. so our life began. and it was great. we had our ups and we had our downs. and my life became intertwined with yours. so intertwined that i began to lose myself forgetting who i was and what i set out to be. and slowly things began to unravel like a t-shirt with a loose thread. it was slow but it was evident.

recently when things got really tough, you called me out on how i used to be a girl you admired and came to love. my unique nature. that i am no longer the same person. i am now the clingy, needy, insecure girl i never thought i'd be. now i actually care about what people think of me. i care how people view my relationship. i reach conclusions in an impractical and illogical fashion.

i would like to point out that you are not wrong. i have changed. yes, i still rebel against wearing heels and i think short hair is cool and i'd still choose pizza over ice cream any day but when you made me love you everything changed. Love changes everything and i don't know why.

girls act in irrational ways because we're often so scared of losing the one thing we think we can't live without. if you felt threatened that someone was going to take away your heart wouldn't you be on the alert too? so we hold on tight and don't let go. but this often means we end up losing the one thing we were trying so hard not to. i don't believe i'm the first one to go through this. history has shown that i am not. movies have indicated that the outcome of such affairs are not positive. and yet here we are, girls, constantly making this same mistake. why? because love is not a rational thing to begin with.

i so often wish i could make you understand my fear and make you feel what i feel but i can't. because we are 2 different beings. i used to believe that your inability to understand why i do the things i do to keep you meant that i so obviously loved you more (yet another irrational thought process) but now that i can see more clearly, i realise that maybe you were never scared of losing me like i was you because you believed that we were stronger than that. clearly i didn't.

Thứ Hai, 14 tháng 5, 2012

Chủ Nhật, 13 tháng 5, 2012

if you are in love

0010
ph: xiu×5

Back in 1958, John Steinbeck, author of East of Eden, The Grapes of Wrath, and Of Mice and Men, got a letter from his teenage son Thom, in which Thom confessed that he had fallen desperately in love with a girl named Susan at his boarding school.

Steinbeck wrote this wise and wonderful letter back to him the same day...

New York
November 10, 1958
Dear Thom:

We had your letter this morning. I will answer it from my point of view and of course Elaine will from hers.

First -- if you are in love -- that's a good thing -- that's about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don't let anyone make it small or light to you.

Second -- There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you -- of kindness and consideration and respect -- not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn't know you had.

You say this is not puppy love. If you feel so deeply -- of course it isn't puppy love.

But I don't think you were asking me what you feel. You know better than anyone. What you wanted me to help you with is what to do about it -- and that I can tell you.

Glory in it for one thing and be very glad and grateful for it.

The object of love is the best and most beautiful. Try to live up to it.

If you love someone -- there is no possible harm in saying so -- only you must remember that some people are very shy and sometimes the saying must take that shyness into consideration.

Girls have a way of knowing or feeling what you feel, but they usually like to hear it also.

It sometimes happens that what you feel is not returned for one reason or another -- but that does not make your feeling less valuable and good.

Lastly, I know your feeling because I have it and I'm glad you have it.

We will be glad to meet Susan. She will be very welcome. But Elaine will make all such arrangements because that is her province and she will be very glad to. She knows about love too and maybe she can give you more help than I can.

And don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens -- The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.

Love,

Fa


(Via A Cup of Jo -- the letter originally appeared in this book.)

Thứ Bảy, 12 tháng 5, 2012

come back

via weheartit, http://weheartit.com/entry/27865845
ph: weheartit

It happened like something out of a movie. It was perfect and in my stomach I knew it was too good to be true - too good to last. I prayed I was wrong but now that everything has fallen apart (you have fallen apart) I'm afraid I was right.

I loved you, I still do. This love is like nothing I have ever known, nothing I knew existed. I thought I was in love until I met you and you changed everything. I love the night we danced in an empty ballroom to no music. I love how you like to cuddle. I love your passion for everything you do. I love the late night on the dock wearing your football sweater. I love how happy I am because of you, how I want to be a better person, how you inspire me. I love you.

But now your life is a mess, and it's out of my hands. I want to be here for you like I had been before but you won't let me in this time. I can see it in your eyes like an open book that you still feel the same so why can't you admit it anymore. I know you're afraid of loving me as much as you do; you have told me. The truth is the thought of not loving you scares me more. I can actually feel my heart clench at the thought of you becoming a stranger once more.

...They say if you really love someone you let them go. And if they come back, they're yours. I'll know on Friday the 13th if you're still mine. Only yesterday was the time of our lives. I keep my fingers crossed for you, and more selfishly, for us.

Come back.

Thứ Năm, 10 tháng 5, 2012

Thứ Tư, 9 tháng 5, 2012

thing called love

Go Away-Crazy Phoenix, http://crazy-phoenix.deviantart.com/art/Go-away-101432894
ph: Go Away-Crazy Phoenix

What to do at this point. It has been around three to four months since I met D. I was intrigued by him. Who wouldn't be? He's dark, handsome, and mysterious. D is often self-deprecating, but he can get any girl that he wants. Yet he's been single for six years. I was so shocked when I find out that he's been with one girl. Although he's had multitude of flings along the way, his heart remains guarded and hard. He enjoys being alone and he embraces loneliness. He's become so accustomed to being single that he has made a niche for himself in solitude.

I think I've gone too far and have reached a point of no return. I am miserable. I'm not miserable because I'm alone, but miserable because I'm without him.

I've hypothesized so many different reasons for his being the way he is. The detrimental affect of his parents' relationship (or lack of)? Insecurities --emotional and/or physical? Or worst of all: simply because I am not "The One." Not that he is my "One"... only God knows. But I'm so willing to lose myself in love again. Because at the sight of him, I melt and it hurts and makes me ecstatic, all at once. Yes, I remember now what it is like to "feel."

It's pure torture. I pray to God to give me strength if this was meant to be. I'm willing to go on and suffer in his presence if there is an end in sight. But if I'm waiting in vain, I pray that he takes these feelings away.

I don't think I've wanted anyone so badly before. Friends say it's because I enjoy the challenge. I tell them, "I don't think so" and life goes on for them. But I'm stuck in this God-awful place. As much as I love his perfections, I enjoy his imperfections. I like his cool impassiveness. I like his abrasive awkwardness. I like his stoic composure. I enjoy his dry humor. I must be a glutton for pain. I love the way he dresses. I love his haircut. I love when he's smiling...and when he's not smiling. I love when our eyes meet and I quickly look away, hot with embarrassment and satisfaction.

And yet, I hate him for not seeing me. I hate him for not calling me. I hate him for not texting me. I hate him for making me wait. I hate him for the slightest touch, glance, laugh or no laugh that leaves me with thousands of questions unanswered and repeating in my head every day, every hour, every minute. He haunts me in my dreams. There is no rest with those who are in love.

Didn't I want this? I made the decision of leaving P because our love had grown stale and stagnant. D, he sets my heart on fire. When I run away to New York, I'm scared thoughts of him will follow me. I'm even more scared at the thought of leaving him.

This obsessive, consuming, passionate thing called love...is purgatory.

Thứ Ba, 8 tháng 5, 2012

stay

all the words that got in the way
via weheartit
ph: ashlikaan + weheartit

Thứ Hai, 7 tháng 5, 2012

just have to wait

via weheart it waiting quote love, http://weheartit.com/entry/4854071/via/NEVER_ENOUGH
ph: weheartit

I always remind myself true love is out there. I just have to wait for the right time for my time to come. One year after another and yet, I still haven't found anyone. I'm turning 20 soon and sometimes I think it is really a joke. All my friends around me have been in a relationship or even in a relationship now. Often I think I'm the weird one cause I have never have a boyfriend. I always compared myself with my friends and I will end up crying cause no matter in which aspect, they are always better than me. I'm slightly overweight and I think that is why no guys like me. If they really know me well, they will realized I'm actually a very caring, loving and down to earth person.

All I ever want is just a chance to be loved and is that very much to ask for? I hate being the odd one every time I'm out with my friends. Being an Asian, relatives do question me a lot when I'm single and the stress and pressure they are giving is killing me softly. All I want to say is, overweight girls deserves the equal chance as the skinny girls to be loved and loved others as well too.

Chủ Nhật, 6 tháng 5, 2012

i will love you till the end of time

lana del rey lyrics blue jeans via weheartit
ph: weheartit | lana del rey lyrics

Thứ Bảy, 5 tháng 5, 2012

instruction manual for love

via weheartit, http://weheartit.com/entry/28037516
ph: weheartit

Here is my story, as of now, in the middle of the now:

Now is one of those times I so desperately wish I had an instruction manual for love. Because I really don't want to mess up on this one. On this guy.

We met at a party, he's the friend of a friend. We drunkenly talked all night. There was a major, stomach-lurching connection. He was so cute and so charming. Then he kissed me. And I pulled away. Me, the girl who loves kissing more than any other aspect of physical love, I pulled away from his kiss. The spark was so overwhelming, I could barely handle myself, never mind the fact that I was pretty drunk. We kissed twice more before a friend pulled me aside and told me in no uncertain terms that she'd had a crush on him for a long time. My drunk self overreacted and went home with a guy friend who was leaving then.

Did it look like I totally ditched the chemistry boy for the guy friend? Absolutely. So I did something any girl would do, and took the leap and sent him a message via facebook. I told him I didn't want things to go too far but he was practically charming the pants off of me, so I left before I messed things up. I never got a response to my message.

Flash forward two weekends and he showed up at the end of the night for a friend's birthday celebration. He gave me a big hug on the dance floor before retreating to talk with a friend from out of town. Then I got stepped on while dancing, so I decided to go talk to him. Again, incredible connection, great conversation until we got kicked out of the area we were talking in. We got split up and went our separate ways for the night.

This is the point I get to with men. I meet them, they seem interested, and then where does it go from there? Nowhere. I can't figure out the way to make a move and strike the balance between not seeming too desperate or needy and actually wanting him to know that I really do give a damn about what happens between us.

This is when I'd give anything to have a piece of paper that just says simply "Do this: Say this: Then kiss him. Then fall in love. The end." But that would be too damn easy, wouldn't it?

Thứ Sáu, 4 tháng 5, 2012

Thứ Năm, 3 tháng 5, 2012

five happiest moments in life

via weheartit
ph: weheartit

Today we were discussing moments in life, instants that you remember being supremely happy during. You claimed that your top five best life moments are sports related. Watching your team win the World Series or Superbowl. I replied that I thought that was a little sad, that when you step away from those moments you actually have nothing to do with them. You agreed in principle, but then claimed that life doesn’t actually occur in instants like that. You can like your friends and family, you can have unbelievably happy nights, but there aren’t real moments in life like there are in sports, you argued. This conversation was several hours ago, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since. I think there are instants like that in life, and all of mine were with you. Here’s my list of five happiest moments in life:

1. The first time we kissed after a year of being apart. It felt so comfortable and magnetic, like we needed to stay like that forever.

2. The moment I realized I love you. You had just gotten back from a month long trip that you cut short because you missed me. I was sitting crossed legged on your bed wearing your silly fleece hat and watching you unpack. I realized that I physically couldn’t stop grinning. I was so ecstatically happy.

3. The first time you blew on the back of my neck and realized that it made me giggle.

4. The time we lay in your bed and watched the thunderstorm through your skylight, and you reached over and held my hand.

5. The time you revealed your biggest secret to me, and I realized that you’d never told anyone before. You really did trust me.

Maybe, now, it’s time to move on. We don’t live in the same place anymore. You don’t even think about me when you think about the happiest times of your life. Instead, you’re thinking about the year the Rams were the best show on turf. I know I’ll always love you, but maybe it’s time for me to learn how to love other people as well. I want to be with someone that has the confidence to tell me he loves me. You and I have never been in that place at the same time.

Thanks for the memories, S.

Thứ Tư, 2 tháng 5, 2012

Thứ Ba, 1 tháng 5, 2012

a little faith

This little piggy (EXPLORED)
ph: John A Ryan Photography

Why is it so hard to have a little faith? Every time a love story begins, you automatically expect it to have a bad ending. Why don't we, as a society, believe in happy endings? Here's my happy story - perhaps it'll inspire you, maybe it'll bore you. Take it as you wish.

Some people have their reservations about Internet relationships. In a lot of cases, people greet the idea of an online relationship with severe disbelief. I don't blame them. Once upon a time, I was a skeptic too. There's also nothing quite as obscure as young love, and what is even more obscure is when they love you back. But he taught me about optimism, and now I can't have doubts.

We met in the saddest time of my life. It was 2006 and I was moving across the country and leaving behind everything I'd ever known. I was scared. I sought for guidance and found none among the people I knew. Because of that, I took to the Internet. Just a silly little chat room filled with some of the dirtiest and strange people I'd ever seen.

But then, there was him.

I don't want to sound cliché but there was an instant connection. It's easy to say that you can't have that when you haven't really met the person, but as silly as it sounds I knew it was there. For a long time we tried to deny it but it was right in front of us and it was too hard to ignore.

So we moved into 2007 as a blissful couple. Despite our beginning hesitation, we were suddenly all in and completely unaware of the outside world. We both shut out reality - to us, the other was reality. Nothing waited for us outside our little box - it was just the two of us, and we were quite happy with that.

But then, the cracks started to show. You can only go halfway in an online relationship and although we knew that we were both so nervous. We were only seventeen, after all.

We battled through it. The fights and the lies and the doubts and the breakups - we made it through all of it. Finally, we met.

The fear you experience before you meet the person you're in love with face-to-face is baffling. You know this person, you've shared your whole self with them, so it seems insane to be scared of them. But you always are. You're scared of their reaction to you - are you different in person? Will they still love you the same? Is the chemistry there now that you're together?

And it was pointless. Our worries and our fights, they all meant nothing.

It was instant. It was like we had never been apart. We spent weeks holed up in my house, uninterrupted by anyone or anything. It was paradise. It was unlike anything either of us had felt before. From then on, everything moved so quickly and yet so slowly.

In 2008 we moved in together, unable to be separated anymore. In 2009 he proposed to me, exactly the way I imagined he would. In 2010 we set a date, we booked a venue and we started planning. Now, in 2011, we've announced our first child.

Some people have their reservations about Internet relationships. I urge you not to. It's easy to judge something you have no experience in and in a lot of cases you're right to be hesitant. Most won't last, and there aren't many exceptions.

He's my exception. He's the reason I've woken up happy every single day for four years. He's the smile on my face and the light in my eyes. There's not a single part of me that doesn't exist for him. It seems silly to invest your entire self in another person, but I've done so without a second thought. I have faith in him and I have faith in us.

Why does it have to be so hard just to have a little faith?