I didn't even recognize him at first glance, a grey scarf covered most of his face, his blue eyes was the part of him I could see. I sat down beside him on the seat, picking up a quite boring book from my bag.
I think it took me 10 seconds for me to realize it was Him. Ten inches away sat the person I had spent two years dreaming and crying endless nights for. Ten inches away.
His hair was uglier than last I saw him, much greasier; guess he uses hair wax nowadays. At the station before where he really lives, he got out of his seat, hurried to the door and ran out to the platform. Like a scared rabbit. Just like old times when he didn't tell me he was afraid of a serious relationship. He just ran away. Like a frightened rabbit.
What do you do about first loves? Where do you put them in your heart? Where do you put them in your mind? He will always be a scar like the one from summer camp permanently tarnishing my unblemished skin. Scars are ugly. They are the remnants of a painful, bloody mess. Physical and emotional wounds result in the same consequences. Just because this scar is on my heart and not on my skin doesn’t mean there’s any less of a story or significance. Actually, this invisible wound has a much darker, dismal, severe story to tell. It is far more painful than actual gushing blood and spilling guts resulting from adolescent clumsiness. I hardly ever notice the scar on my leg; I only remember it is there when someone asks about how I got such a gash. I wish I could do that with my heart. Only, no one would observe this internal mark, so it would never be brought up again. I think my mentality about this scar is flawed. I must think about it like my leg. The event happened; it hurt badly; I cried; but it has not affected me in any way ever since the stitches came out and the skin molded itself back together. It’s just there. Nothing more; nothing less. He will always be there to some extent. He co-piloted my youth, so undoubtedly, when I reminisce on those days, he will be in those recollections. But he will just be there. Nothing more; nothing less.
My heart has somehow managed to repair itself; the pieces I’ve haphazardly stitched together over the past year have somehow managed to mend. The blood once escaping profusely, depriving me of life and exuberance, is now coagulating. My heart has a beat. But it isn’t the same heart I had before this debacle. It has his name permanently engraved there. Like lost lovers’ names on an old tree. But, the tree still thrives regardless of the deep cuts into its flesh; its foliage is green and lush. This must signify that I can still flourish, despite his mark on my heart.
Well first of all, I just want to say that I really like you even though I dont know you that well. I hate how I have to scrutinize every single detail on your facebook just to get the teeniest amount of assumptions and false hopes about you. I hate how I can spend hours on your page reviewing over the same comments that you have written, or listening to every music video that you post and reading over the history of every single artists that you claim to "like" on facebook just to squeeze the last ounce of virtual information that I can get out of you. I hate how I've scrolled down to the first ever post that you made on facebook, circa 2007. I hate how every time I'm on facebook, my fingers automatically start typing the first letter of your name. It's kind of creepy that facebook saves and remembers the names that you input into your search engine, and I hate how the first name that pops up out of all the the people i know whose names start with an E, is yours. I hate how when I see that you posted something 8 minutes ago, I quickly check my chat and see if you're on because I embarrassingly hope that one day you'll strike up a conversation despite the fact that I know you never will. I hate how it was the hardest thing for me to "like" one of your statuses because I was afraid that you would "read" my like the wrong way or interpret it in ways that I wouldn't want you to... ITS A FUCKING LIKE .. WHATS WRONG WITH ME? I hate knowing everything about, even your past. I know so much about you I feel like such a fucking creep. I've been on your dad's facebook. yeah, I went there. And I found pictures of you when you were pre-pubescent. You're cute. I hate how facebook is the only thing that I can judge you on, it is really fucking pathetic. I hate thinking about you and dreaming what life would be like if you knew everything about me, or if we could have one deep, meaningful conversation together- not those 3 second "hey, whats up" at the libraries, or the same exact conversations that always end up with the our intended majors and the ratings of our current classes and professors that we are taking. I hate knowing that you are probably not thinking of me or probably having a blast at one of the shows that you are "attending" according to facebook. I hate how I picture myself with you but have this shameful implication that you are too cool for me based on the people you hang out with or the music you listen to. I mostly hate that I dont know you, I dont know you at all and my mind is flowing with these false hopes, stupid assumptions, and ridiculous imaginations about your life. But I will always remember our first encounter at the train, I know that you smiled and were nice enough to wave back. And the next day, when I introduced myself, you seemed like an interesting, genuine boy. And then the other few times at the library when I saw you and we had a short talk only because I did not want to be rude having my friend wait for me right when my knees started getting weak, as I drowned in your baby blue eyes. But I will NEVER EVER forget the time I lost track of time and missed half my class because we talked about random shit, shit that doesnt even matter, and I enjoyed every minute of it, and honestly I know you did too. I found out that you had family in LA, where I live, that you dont drive, like me, that you tested out of a required freshman English class because you're so god damn smart. However, the moment you said my name while attempting to tease me with a rhetorical question, my heart literally skipped 5 beats, and I tried my hardest to keep myself from smiling. Sometimes I just wonder if you ever feel the same. If I ever cross your mind, just even for a second. I hate not knowing, but I guess that's what makes this feeling so intriguing. Maybe if I or you had the actual balls to do something about anything, we can be something. But, maybe this is just me again getting lost in my pathetic thoughts. What if you're not even half the person I thought you are, or if all this gathered info from your facebook is not an accurate description of who you actually are. Whatever, I will leave it to the talks that we've had, the looks that we've given each other, and the sincerity in our conversations. I guess ignorance really is bliss, and I will just have to find out for myself.
i really think you should know, that of course i would choose you, always, even though I love the other ones so, so much. but I must protect my heart or it will never dare to love again.
because even though I love you and would do just about everything for you you don't even love or respect me as much as to say that we're going to be friends when school's over. and you will only hurt me even more than now. but if I choose you every time I won't have my other beautiful friends next to me when you break me - once again and even more than you have already done.
don't you see? I must take care of my heart, take care of my friends and sure, you're a friend who'll probably always be in my heart but you don't deserve it. you really don't. I would've liked you to though, because (I'll say it once more just because finally now I can admit it's true) I love you. But I have to take care of the ones who really deserve my love.
and this hurts. because for some weird reason I would like to choose you. every time.
They saw us sitting together at a sports center, cracking rude jokes and rocking back on our haunches when we laughed. I would cover my mouth; he would clap and stamp his gleeful feet on the dirty floor. They saw us the next day, sweating in the desert heat and lazing around by the hotel pool. We talked of travel, of home and of family while people buzzed around us; we shared in-jokes and drinks from the bar. They saw us leave together, heading back to hotel for more wine and to change. Then, with livers brimming and eyes wandering, they watched us lose each other in the crowd. I've felt lost ever since.
It's been one month today since we were last face-to-face, but mere minutes since we last spoke. My life has become a mess of technology - text, email, IM, Skype and phone calls - anything to get me closer to this person that I find so funny, so alluring, so attractive and so heart-warming. I write him postcards, send care packages, email photos, text "goodnight". He writes me prose, sends me music, emails photos, texts "goodnight". I tell him about my pillow shield, shaped like his protective arm as I rest my head on his chest. His set up is quite similar - a pillow yin to my yang. Every story, every laugh, every quip and every reference brings me one step closer to knowing a person who is more in tune with me than I ever thought possible. We talk of being misunderstood by our peers, stave off tears and plan the years we will have together; there will be many. We giggle and hide behind our hands as we agree that Shakespeare was onto something with all of that yearning stuff. We buy lottery tickets and save for plane tickets. We laugh. We love.
Every morning I awake, torn by bitter-sweet thoughts - I am one step closer to spending summer with my love, but am spending another September day freezing in this chill without him. I yearn for that warm summer day when I travel to the airport, windows down, pedal to the floor and stereo loud. My head plays the moment when he emerges from the arrival gate over, and over, and over again. I can already feel his arms around me.
Each day, I feel my chest tighten and my heart swell. Shatter. Repair. Repeat. I stare at the calendar and wish on 11.11 and think, think, think. I wonder what would have happened had we spent more time lazing by that sun-scorched Vegas pool, ignoring the others and keeping our eyes on each other. But I have to move on and think of our future together - years peppered with travel, laughs and gleeful feet, and a bond that ignorance, time and geography will not break.
Why? This is a word I have sent out into the cosmic void in the past year since I met you. I lived differently then. I lived happily, my life was beautiful and divine and complete. I did not know loneliness. I never cried, I never felt sad. I loved my husband only. I only had thoughts of him. Then I met you.
If I would have known that I would fall so deeply in love with you I would have never interviewed you for the job. I am 14 years older than you and I’m your boss. This is never going to work, that is crystal clear and deeply painful.
You asked me why you never see me at work. Really? You don’t get that I avoid you deliberately? I wanted to scream at you: “ Do you know what it’s like to want someone who is so close and not be able to touch them. Not be able to kiss them, not be able to make love to them when every inch of your being desires nothing more?” When I was younger I waited for a man like you. Strong and unafraid. Now I am just heartbroken and confused. Why did this happen? Where have you been?
So, please, don’t stand so close to me and try to avoid me. It’s just easier that way. Unless it’s about work and your immediate supervisor can’t help you, don’t speak to me. Running into you on Friday was so hard and unexpected. I trying to be cool and business like, but I saw it. I saw the look in your eye when we were talking, it was but for a moment but the look said, I feel it too. My heart leapt. I just walked away saying to myself: It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter.
I wish for so many things, but never that I would not have met you. You are beautiful and funny and great; but you’re 14 years too late.
I've never kissed him. Ever. And that's the kind of punishment I deserve or being afraid. Oh if only knew how many times I've imagined that kiss.
We were so perfect together, I know. It's just the distance that separated us. The distance and us not being prepared for this. I've never wanted that kind of relationship..a long distance relationship. But we had it for a few months. Now... it's just pieces of our broken hearts and ashes. I'm doing my best to move on, but I don't know how to do this. How am I supposed to be strong and self-supportive, when I'm dying on the inside?
How am I supposed to get over it when I feel him dying on the inside every time I hear his voice on the phone?
And I tried.. I tried so damn hard not to answer his phone calls, not to pay that much attention to his text messages. Not to let this break-up tear me apart. But I can't.
I continuously write and delete this email. 2 days 48 hours Who knew that those 48 hours would still be with me almost a year later. I went on a family vacation. The trip was drawing to a close and i was thinking that this trip was really lame until my third last night. We went to a show. He sat in front of me. He would look back and I would smile. Nothing all that big.
Then the next day I saw him again at the beach. Once again he would look back and i would smile, wishing I had the courage to say something more than just the hey response to his hey.
Finally I did, and I will forever be grateful that I did. He was sitting and I went over to talk to him. If I could go back to any moment in my life it would be that. We laughed and talked for hours. I never laughed like that in my life or felt that way about anyone ever.
At night a me him and a group of other people we met were sitting by the ledge laughing. I can't explain how I felt.When I had to go back up to my room he was all i could think about.
The next day I was anxious to find him I wanted to talk to him some more. And we did. This may sound like just a simple story but it will stay with me forever. It was almost time for me to leave when we all started swimming in the rain. Finally when I had to go he picked me up and hugged me. I was walking away when I turned around and see him waving and blowing me a kiss.
That moment held the most genuine smile ever.
I still think about him sometimes. Wondering if he thinks about me. But I doubt it. If this experience taught me anything it's that- take a risk and it could be worth it.
We speak every once in a while. Every two weeks or so I can expect a call from you, and its usually two or three weeks to the day that we last spoke. I'm not sure if that reflects on the kind of relationship we have. I would like to say the calls are always the same, but they're not. You've gradually become more affectionate and open, as where I want no part in that. I want it to stop, and more so need it to stop.
You ask if I still love you, if I think of you every day, if I'm seeing anyone, if I'm coming to visit and so on and so forth.
We met very randomly and instantly started up something. At first I had no interest, and you made it very clear that you did. I wanted to remain friends, but that changed pretty quick and I'm not sure how. It's safe to say you grew on me (that's an understatement).
I knew you weren't going to be here forever, or even close. I knew you were going to move back, and sooner than I thought and what you led me on to believe. We were just friends, and then we had a fling, and then we were together, and then I got scared and we broke up, then we had a fling, and then we got back together, and then we fought, then broke up and then were together again without the actual label.
After a few months you somehow convince me to allow you into my home, I felt an instant regret when I said yes. Not because I didn't want to be able to wake up next to you every morning but because I knew how this was going to turn out. The most passionate and intense two months I have ever had and then just like that, it was swept from underneath me. Within two weeks you had bought a plane ticket and you were gone.
We never had the "talk" before you left. It was never clear what we were this time around. But it sure seemed exclusive before you got on that plane. Within the first two weeks of you being back in your home country I could feel you pulling away, and when I asked, your response would either be 1. I miss you so much or 2. Your constant partying with your friends makes me question this.
Then within a month of being a part of each other we were done. You decided that one morning after my night out with my girlfriends you were going to end it. And that you did. You said its best that we be just friends because this relationship is just going to end up hurting both of us. From then on you didn't speak to me for 2 months.
I don't think you understand, or ever will for that matter, what I went through in those 3 months. Losing someone your in love with to another continent, and that someone also happens to be your best friend, and then within a month of losing them, they drop you like a hot potato? I had no explanation for what happened, I couldn't really piece this puzzle together. How can someone I thought I knew so well just forget about me so quick? Was there someone else? Did he just fall out of love? Or was it actually because he was scared of getting hurt?
I don't think I'll truly know the answer, because the longer I know this person, the more skeletons I find in his closet and come to realize that I don't believe half the shit that he says. I've come to know him better as a person now that we're not together through how he treated me during this really painful experience and truths I've found out about him, than when we were together.
In my eyes, he is not the same person I met over a year ago, nor is he the same person I fell in love with. When I speak to him and see him (skype) I still see the same person, but I feel like I'm speaking to a stranger.
The one thing ( I don't want to call it a lesson) I was able to take from this: I'm an amazing, intelligent, beautiful, genuine, loving, kind-hearted woman, and although I definitely had my share of mistakes in this relationship, I did not deserve the abandonment and pain that could of been prevented with a little honestly and sensitivity on his behalf.
I don't think things with us will ever start up again, but I do believe that there is hope for friendship.
What happens when you are not sure of what's right anymore? Actually, it's even worse: you know what is right, but you don't have the courage to do it. I know what they say is true: if you love somebody you've got to set them free. If it wasn't true nobody would say it that often, right? The problem is to let the happiness you've always sought and fought to have it. How? How can I manage to do that? Let go, and forget all the obstacles I had to been through? Let you go, just so we avoid to suffer even more further, when our love is even stronger than it is now.
Either I wanted it or not, I know we're not synchronized: different stages in life, different goals and different plans and perspectives. The distance between us will grow with each lack of time, each undone trip to see each other. Those are the times when i ask myself: Is this worth it? But seconds late, I remember our happy moments, how we are complete with each other and how this love that nourishes us is strong and beautiful.
And I know he's been questioning the same thing. But unlike me, hes put into his mind that its not worth it, that as much he want to be with me, he will never can. He says things will never go the way he wants, the way we want. That reality is against us. But, he wont deny how much I'm important to him, how much he loves me. He cant deny that he found the woman he wants to marry with, the woman of his life. So, why cant he fight for our love, for our relationship?! One moment he decides that he wants to be with me forever, no matter what obstacles we'll have to face. The other one, he says hes not my boyfriend anymore, that he cant take this, he cant suffer like that. WHY? I guess its like Katy Perry says " I've gotta a case of love bipolar".
I was sure before, he didn't want to break up. Now I'm not sure of anything. I just wish I could show him,things are not gonna be like him expect them to be: my parents wont be a problem for us, we are gonna be able to do anything we want. We are going to be soooo happy and wonderful things are waiting for us.
I just wish he would take my hand right now, and allow me to show him the bright side: we are meant to be happy together. I only want to hold his hand, be with him, having the love of my life to take care of me. I just want him close, feeling his heart and body close to mine.
I want, and I never wanted that bad, to be sure we gonna have a great future together. A future where everything will be fine and nothing will come between us. I just want you and our perfectness together. Screw the rest of the world. I don't care. I just need you and I know you feel the same way.
So stop filling your heart, mind and soul with negative thoughts. We want and we can change things and make them perfect. It's you and me against the world. We are gonna be fine.
I truly hope that. Don't give up yet. Don't give up on me yet. You love me and I love you. I love you more than anything.
I never thought I would be one of those girls that lay awake at night thinking about a boy. All these questions, and I only have my friends theories as an answer. "Of course he likes you, it's so obvious. He always looks at you!". The bad things is you know that you say anything to them to calm them down if it was the other way around. Do he think of me? Does he tell his friends about me, like I tell mine? Do he find me pretty?
We have two classes together, and yeah that's how I found him. I know he's not the cutest boy in the world, but in my eyes he's gorgeous. His smile can make my day, especially when I know that I made him smile. He can make me laugh with his stupid jokes and his intelligence never stops to fascinate me. I've never felt this way before, this crush goes deeper than any crush I've ever had. I want him so badly, I have to fight every urge in my body to not kiss him when I see him. I want to call him my boyfriend: and that's a huge step for me.
We are going on a date tomorrow. I'm dreading it but at the same time I can't wait.
i found this many years ago. before i had even met him. before i had even dreamed i would find a man who could take my breath away and make me feel so utterly complete like he did. anyways, back then, before i even knew what heartache was i bookmarked this, pasting it into a document and shortly then forgetting about it. now, three and a half years later, now that i'm counting days (32) we have been apart, instead of days we have been together, i come across this:
"someone once told me it was comparable to death. to mourn the loss of a loved one. cause really in your life, they are dead. left only with the memories to play over again. i still don’t understand how you’re supposed to stop ever loving someone? to be everything one day and nothing the next. i don’t get it? but i think it was best stated in everwood...
What you're feeling right now Amy, it doesn't ever really go away -- not completely. It's not like, ya know, you're gonna go back to being the person you were before they died -- the person's gone. It's more like something inside of you breaks and your body finds a way to compensate for it. Like if you busted your right hand, you figure out how to use the left one. And sure, you might resist for awhile because you're pissed off that you have to learn all this stuff again that nobody else does. Eventually your body takes over and figures it out for you. And you’re glad. Because if it was up to you . . . you'd look at your broken hand forever and try to figure out what it was like before"
It happened completely unexpected. I wasn't looking for anything, I was still stuck on the one who will be left nameless. Then you happened. We spoke briefly, laughed some, flirted a bit, and exchanged numbers. Five minutes after I left, I texted you asking if you saved it. I should have known instantly you were a sarcastic jokester from the start when you responded, who is this? Three days later, we went on our first date. It probably could have been the smoothest, easiest first day in history. You picked the restaurant, saying it was one of your favorites. I spent quite a good amount of my day at work googling it, happy to know something about you. The date went really very well. You ordered for us our appetizers, something I admired. I liked the fact that you not only took charge, but were adventurous with your eating. You exposed me to new things that night, bone marrow and octopus to be exact. Also, after taking several minutes to study the wine menu, you settled on an excellent bottle.
To go through all our dates now would take up quite some time. Instead, let me mention the moment when I knew I wanted you in my life. After having a wild weekend away with some of my girlfriends, I came home to reality. My voice was gone, my nose was running, and I had a cough. Even with all this, you still wanted to see me. So I invited you over. When I opened the door and saw you standing there, my heart skipped a beat. And, I melted when you handed me a box of cough drops wrapped with a pink bow.
The cute things continued to happen-- when you had dinner with my family and showed up with not only my favorite flowers but also two bottles of wine for my mom, when you went to the hospital with me to visit my sister who had just given birth and gave her flowers, and when you booked a surprise getaway to a city I had been dying to go to forever, Washington DC.
I may not particularly like your taste in music or movies and you may think I'm a dork for randomly saying quotes from Lord of The Rings and Gladiator. But I do like how I am the perfect height to fit under your arm and how you hold my hand as you drive. And especially how even after I've left, you'll text me saying you smiled because your bed smelt like me.
I know it's still the beginning-- and there may be rough times ahead, but all I know is these have been the greatest sixty days of my life. And I hope for many more. With you.
Holy shit. I can’t take it anymore. It’s unbearable and verging obsessive now. You have taken over my mind like some disease. Or many a drug that takes my life over. I am addicted. But this isn’t bad. It’s only bad because I haven't had the courage to talk to you yet. You have taken over my mind. And I know it’ll stop if I talk to you. But I can’t. Your silence, your shyness, it intimidates me more than anything else in the world. More than any outgoing guy that could not be any sexier. Maybe I am infatuated by the prospect of who you are. The fact that I know so little about you, and can’t seem to find anything more out about you. I sound like a stalker basically. But I know it’s just a crush. I have a massive crush on you. I don’t let it take me over in that I follow you everywhere you go. But when you walk into a room, you’re all I see. Everything else is a blur, all out of focus. The aperture in my eyes are large, nothing is in focus expect you. I wonder what goes on through your mind. You seem purposeful in life. You also just hang out. I wonder if you notice me. I wonder if I am anything to you. I wonder if those moments where you catch me staring mean anything. I wonder if you know, because I really feel like you do. I don’t think I could be any more obvious without saying the words themselves. At the same time, I am not asking you to ask me out. I don’t expect that at all. It’s just not like you. I know its not that I am not good enough. It’s that you don’t even get to the point where you’d consider if I am even worth your time. So what do I do? This crush seemed doomed to nothing. It keeps me from doing work, it keeps me from studying, it keeps me from sleeping. It keeps me happy. It keeps me hopeful. It makes me believe in tomorrow. But what do I do? I am so utterly hung up on you, and I have no idea what to do. The solution seems so simple. Be brave, talk to him, ask him to dinner maybe if I was feeling gutsy. But I am so scared; your silence scares me. I am stuck. What do I do? What do I do?
Its something new everyday. Some stupid, little, petty, senseless fight. Ive been dealing with it for 2 years now. I ask myself why? Why do i put up with it? Why do i settle? why make myself unhappy, so he can be happy? The only thing i can come up with is, love. But then i ask myself again. Why? Why do you love him? Why do you care for him? The only thing i can come up with is, because i just do. Well thats not good enough. There should be atleast one point that sticks out in your head to why you love someone. Is it because hes my first boyfriend? The first boy that i actually cared about, and say those 3 words to? Is it because i am more than comfortable to be myself around him? Thats what i think it is. Being in my comfort zone. But why? Im a strong girl that shouldnt be afraid to step out and be free once again. Thats when i go back to, No Its because I love him. BUT WHY?! Whats there to love? He puts you down. He belittles you beyond belief sometimes. He tries to control your EVERY move. Picks fights everyday. He shouldnt throw foul language at you like its his job. Thats NOT what love is. Love should make you feel happy and blessed that you found someone like your partner. Not miserable, and angry. You should feel proud to bring him around your friends and show him off. Not just stay in the house. He should bring you gifts and surprise you with your favorite candy and flowers once in a while. Not threaten to break the relationship up. Ive been on this road too many times. I should have more pride and self respect to not be treated this way. I know i can do better, i know i can get better. I know i deserve better after all the shit ive been through my entire life. Maybe somehow and someway my brain is trying to convince me that i love him, and that im happy with him. But the thing is, in some twisted way, I AM happy to be with him. Cause when im not with him, im miserable. But wait, im miserable already in the relationship. I dont know, im confused… This is only my first “love.” Im only 18. I see all the problems wrong with this relationship. I see what needs to be fixed. Now its time to just deal with the fact that, none of it is going to be fixed, and he wont change, because hes a stubborn dick! I just have to be wise and tell myself that, this is just a lesson to be learned for what i dont want in my life. I need to be thick solid on the decision. But im still learning how to do that. Maybe thats why im still in this relationship, cause im STILL LEARNING.