Thứ Tư, 28 tháng 12, 2011

Thứ Ba, 27 tháng 12, 2011

i don’t know how much longer

i don't know how much longer love photo love image nicole loher, http://www.google.com/imgres?um=1&hl=en&client=firefox-a&sa=N&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&biw=1484&bih=797&tbm=isch&tbnid=13fc9fbTx-47vM:&imgrefurl=http://www.tenderomi.com/page/80/%3FajaxCalendar%3D1%26month%3D9%26long_events%3D1&docid=0MAHBJA6rETquM&itg=1&imgurl=http://www.tenderomi.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/6583998279_0d7ff34466_o.jpg&w=450&h=298&ei=LFbjT4r4HImS0QGkuMnBAw&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=179&vpy=155&dur=5540&hovh=183&hovw=276&tx=118&ty=63&sig=110425387096595155064&page=1&tbnh=138&tbnw=184&start=0&ndsp=29&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0,i:74
ph: Nicole Loher

I love because of you, I hurt because of you.

I want to sit in front of you and open myself up like an over read book. I want to be able to be honest with you and tell you everything that’s been steeping in my head, and in my heart for too long. But I can’t. I’m too afraid to get hurt, to discover the truth – the truth that probably differs from my own. So instead, I’ll sit down and spell out the words and feelings I’m too afraid to look you in the eyes and say.

We had an innocent chance encounter meeting. Nothing special, nothing too note worthy. Our friendly acquaintance banter soon turned into more and at one point I knew I had not only formed a new friendship but one worth enhancing. I don’t know what it was that tipped me off, but there was something – you were something. I wanted to know more about you, discover who you really were and become close with all that was you. It was easier for me to disguise my feelings at first because you were taken. You were with someone else and I knew the boundaries existed. I was not bothered, nor fazed. I had found myself in similar positions beforehand. You were someone else’s and I happily accepted this, I did. If anything, I was just happy to have you by my side as a friend.

Then one day, it was over. You had ended the relationship and you were available again. I had mixed emotions at first: I didn’t want to encroach on your newly single self, your confused mind and your vulnerable state. It wouldn’t be fair. You needed time and space and more importantly a dear friend to turn to, to rely on. I became that dear friend for you. I was more than happy to be her. I wanted to be the ears to your illogical words, the cushion for your irrational thoughts, the reassurance to your questionable doubts. I became all of the above and more – we became each other’s confidant, each other’s go-to, each others emergency call no matter the time of day. In no time we had become each other’s best friends in a new city where we were both strangers only a few months beforehand. Nothing seemed impossible now that I had you by my side. But somehow, even with all this, I wanted more. I wanted you but more than what I already had of you. I wanted our endearing friendship to grow into something else, to be something so much greater than what it already was. I wanted to be that girl that made you look back; that girl that made your heart skip an extra beat; that girl that you held a gaze with for a few seconds longer; that girl you would talk about long after she was gone. I wanted to be your girl but somehow couldn’t find a way to be. Instead, I sat back and listened to you talk about other girls. You would ask my opinion and I would muster up the courage to mask my true feelings and smile while I delivered the lines you wanted to hear. My face wore the brave mask so easily – too easily – while in fact my heart was painted with the true emotions of my yearning.

I tried to push aside all these feelings; tried to trick myself into thinking I was chasing after something that wasn’t worth the hunt. I kept telling myself it would be foolish of me to jeopardize the wonderful friendship we had formed in such a short span of time. I tried to ignore all the little things that made me fall for you in the first place, but in doing so I only grew fonder of you. I kept feeding nutrients to the starving feelings of desire.

And that’s where I still find myself – at a loss. I no longer know what to do, or how to go on. I’m too afraid to tell you with the risk of losing you, and I’m too afraid to let these feelings linger on. Regardless of the decision, I have a sense I will only hurt myself. I don’t know how much longer I can be with you without being with you. I don’t know how much longer I can go on sharing fun filled moments, endless laughter, and standstill time with you. I don’t know how much longer I can bear to look you in the eyes without reaching out to touch your lips; hug you without holding onto you for a little while longer; wake up next to you in bed without cuddling up to your welcoming side. I don’t know how much longer I can go on without me being your girl, you being my guy and us being that couple. I don’t know how much longer I can go on hiding these true feelings from you, remaining dishonest to your always-honest self. I don’t know how much longer I can go on crying true tears to an unknown audience. I don’t know how much longer I can keep on hurting when you have no idea of the pain I’m suffering.

So for now I'll continue to sit back, all the while paying the prices for falling in love with you, my best friend…

Thứ Hai, 26 tháng 12, 2011

Thứ Sáu, 23 tháng 12, 2011

you’ll never forget your first true love

Dogantepe
ph: RengimMutevellioglu

It’s been two years. I remember the two first months felt like forever. Two years ago I thought I would be ok in a two years time. I wasn’t back then, it felt like a never ending pain. But the reasonable me kept on saying "Hold on, just hold on. I will be okay, it will end one day and it will go faster than you expect. It just doesn’t feel like that right now. But I know it will.”

I honestly thought two years would be more than enough to… I don’t even know to what. To move on, to stop hurting, to stop crying, to stop loving. Perhaps even to forget?

But I haven’t. I haven’t stopped crying or hurting. I haven’t really moved on. And I have definitely not forgotten.

So now I don’t know what I should tell myself anymore.

I guess people who say that you’ll never forget your first true love are actually telling the truth.

Namsi

Thứ Năm, 22 tháng 12, 2011

Thứ Tư, 21 tháng 12, 2011

I can’t wait for you

i can't wait for you love photo love image, http://www.flickr.com/photos/daianebortolote/5622452240/sizes/m/in/photostream/
ph: flickr


Every time I close my eyes to go to sleep I pick out my favourite memory of us. Of you.

Sometimes it is when I was lying on you and we were laughing so hard that we laughed even more just because it was so fun to laugh. Your smile.

Sometimes it is when we hanged out first time. We were watching Tangled and you predicted every single thing. The way you irritate me.

Sometimes it is when we used to lie in your bed and snuggle. Chest to chest, arms around each other, legs tangled and cheek to cheek. The way you smell.

Sometimes it is when we wrestled and ended up on the floor with me on top. Winning. Even though I know that you would easily beaten me. Your generosity.

Sometimes it is when we were on our way home to your place after a night out, both drunk and I asked you if you would be hung over the next day and you replied “As long as you are next to me it doesn’t matter how bad I am. I’ll be the luckiest guy anyway.”. The way you made me feel.

Sometimes it is when we were walking and you suddenly took my hand as it would have been the most natural thing in the world. How much you mattered to me.

But most of the time it is the last time we kissed. Because I know that it was the last time.

We are both in the US, for now. But you are going to finish your four year of college here and when my only year is over I’ll be going back to Sweden again. You will still have three more years to go. Three more years apart.

I’ll miss you so much and I will never forget you. But I can’t wait for you. Mostly because I can't wait for someone that doesn’t know what he wants. I told you how I felt but you never told me what you felt. I can only guess and I’m guessing – as much as I’m hoping- that you feel the same way I do for you. But guessing and hoping is not something that will keep me waiting for you. I would need you to confirm it. I would need you to say that you love me back. But you can’t and that is why I can’t wait three years for you.

I’m sorry and I hope life will treat you well.

Yours truly.

Thứ Ba, 20 tháng 12, 2011

by your side


by your side love quote i will travel to any place to simply be by your side every day love photo love image, http://weheartit.com/entry/19705832
unknown + weheartit

My life is a dream, my dreams are alive!



Yesterday, I dreamt of my life,
it's so real!
And today, I am still...
living my dreams
so fabulous and precious
so dangerous and glorious
so like chorus, the chorus of my songs.
In those songs, I sing of the life.
And every day's just a note of the song.

Am I wrong, am I right?
Am I strong, may I cry?

'S there anybody can tell me why?

I don't want to know why, but
I am wrong, and I am right.
I am strong, still I am crying.


I cry the days I can't sing
I cry the days I'm down
I cry the days I can't swing
I cry for not moving 'round.

Even now, though immobilized
Even that, still I'm alive
I'm alive, so I'm flying

I'm flying as I'm living
I'm living as I'm dreaming
I'm dreaming as exploring
I'm exploring, I'm traveling, I'm making all my great journeys
even when I can't go and see
'Cause the life's itself a journey!


Thứ Hai, 19 tháng 12, 2011

pray for a day

Day 264/365 ~ Your Photography is a Record of Your Living, for Anyone Who Really Sees
ph: Amanda Mabel

Your E.E. Cummings for the day:

it may not always be so; and i say
that if your lips,which i have loved,should touch
another's,and your dear strong fingers clutch
his heart,as mine in time not far away;
if on another's face your sweet hair lay
in such a silence as i know,or such
great writhing words as,uttering overmuch,
stand helplessly before the spirit at bay;

if this should be,i say if this should be-
you of my heart, send me a little word;
that i may go unto him, and take his hands,
saying, Accept all happiness from me.
Then shall i turn my face, and hear one bird
sing terribly afar in the lost lands.


I guess sometimes the thing you want most is the one thing you cannot have. Know that I have never been kidding when I said I would (and in some ways I have) sacrifice anything - everything - for you, because you and me and us and we, and our always, mean that much to me. Desire, I guess, wears us out, leaves us broken. Desire, I guess, can wreck a life. But you know, as tough as wanting something can be, I think the people who suffer the most, are those who don’t know what they want or worse don’t do what is necessary to get what they want. In the best possible way, you have absolutely wrecked me, because you see, I fell in love with you, always with a feeling, deep down, that there was very little chance of my ever being with you for that always. Definition of insanity, I guess, but holding true the adage that to love and win is the best thing; to love and lose, the next best – because at least I loved you with a love unsurpassed and never to be duplicated, completely and totally and unconditionally and without limits and with a depth that not even poets have been able to capture or even describe.

I wish you happiness. I wish you joy. I wish you grace. I hope that your life leaves you filled to overflowing with all that you had hoped - surpassing your every expectation. There is a wonderful benediction that goes something like “my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, a hearth constantly warmed by family and friends, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.” I do wish all those things for you.

I will miss telling you what you mean to me, which is nothing less than what you mean to the world. I will miss finding new and wonderful ways to express my every feeling, which are numerous and deep and consuming. I will miss telling you how beautiful and amazing and intelligent and bright and gorgeous and lovely and sensual you are. I will miss describing the wonderment that is every one of your special places – and experiencing each of them inch by inch, touch by touch, kiss by kiss, for a lifetime.

You will always find ways to my heart, but I pray that one day the taste of your name, which sounds of beauty and sunshine and smiles and bliss and the warmth of a blessed day, will sound so, though I am not hopeful. Know that any time I need to see your face I will just close my eyes – you will always be there.

And no matter what, I will always love you. And while I will always hope, and pray and wish for the day when you come to me and say “I am yours, all yours, for always,” I will also just pray for a day when I won’t need you so badly every minute of every day and every second in between. You are a love, beyond love, and you will always have my whole entire heart.

Chủ Nhật, 18 tháng 12, 2011

Thứ Bảy, 17 tháng 12, 2011

so i wonder

so i wonder love image love photo, http://weheartit.com/entry/6708851
ph: weheartit

I fell in love with the way he held me tight. I fell in love with the way he'd kiss the back of my hand as he held it. I fell in love with the way he whispered, "I love you" in my ear, the way his breath felt against my neck as we cuddled, the way his lips felt when we kissed, who he was. I fell deeply in love with, I dove deeply.

Months pass and the sweet words flow and everything is fine and as soothing as things where, we were like the titanic. We graced through the water, we didn't see the iceberg coming, we felt it hit. We sank, so quick. One minute we were in love the next he was doubting. From someone who claimed that I was perfection in their eyes, from someone who stated they never wanted me to leave, he left. He tossed me aside, feelings invested, heart claimed, he left. He said we needed a break, said he wasn't feeling what we had anymore. And for so long I blamed myself, so many tears have I spilled. So many bruises cover my heart.

So I wonder, when you walk down the road you took when you left, will you ever stop dead in your tracks and want to run back to me? Will sorrow fill you up and tip you over and have you trying to wipe away all the sadness that has filled you up? Will you miss me and my pure love, my golden heart? Will you come back and snuggle next to me, your spot is as empty as ever since you left. More importantly, in your heart - was that the best choice you made? To leave someone who loves you, because truth be told, I still yearn for you. And I don't know if my heart will remain in the same spot you dropped it at. Will you be afraid when someone else has picked it up?
________________________________________

the winner of the jewelmint giveaway was... WINNIE! congrats!
make sure to check out jewelmint for this month's latest designs ♥

Thứ Năm, 15 tháng 12, 2011

a mutual addiction

a mutual addiction love photo love image, http://weheartit.com/entry/23470530/via/samiaborges
a mutual addiction chuck palahnuik quote love quote love image love photo what I want is to be needed what i need is to be indispensible to somebodywho i need is someone who will eat up all my free time my ego my attention
ph: weheartit + Chuck Palahniuk quote

Thứ Tư, 14 tháng 12, 2011

and then you came

and then you came kissing kiss love image love photo, http://imgfave.com/view/588025
ph: unknown source via imgfave

They say, the best people come in your life when you least expect it. I was depressed and my heart ached, and then you came. You taught me how to love and how important God was.

You had the answers to all my questions. I miss the way you told me bedtime stories on the phone. The hours we've spend texting about the most random things. I didn't even notice how I fell in love with you. With every part of you. I fell in love with your hair, your brown eyes and your crooked smile.

I fell in love with the way you've let me sleep against your shoulder. I got used to you, used to everything. Everyone said I changed. In only three months. No one could ever do what you did and I love you for that.

I love you so bad that I can't think of you without crying. It's like my heart is exploding and screaming your name. Over and over again.

I love you so much that I would donate my kidney to you. Because a life without you is no love. Without you, my dearest,my love...there's no me.

You're the brightest of all. The sweetest of all. And still i'm waiting, craving for the moment you ask me to marry you. I guess that's all I ever want. Marry you, share the same life, same bed, same house. To share with you is all I ever want to do. But even if the day won't come, and you find love in someone else... please know that you're the bluest sky.

Maybe God has other plans for both of us. Still I pray, each day, for us to get together someday.

Always yours, G.

Thứ Ba, 13 tháng 12, 2011

Thứ Hai, 12 tháng 12, 2011

wonderful things can end

wonderful things can end love image love photo, http://weheartit.com/entry/19230435
ph: weheartit

i have been working the same retail job for four years, and nothing exciting like this has ever happened. i met him on july 9, 2011. i was working my usual shift, helping no one and wasting my time away folding clothes when the most handsome guy walked through my store doors. he said he really needed help, that he was going to a wedding in an hour (ohh men) and he didn't have anything to wear. i graciously said i would offer help to this adorable guy, helping him choose a shirt and tie for his formal affair. throughout the process, we shamelessly flirted and exchanged simple bits of information with each other. he got my name and i got his. i then steamed his shirt, he paid and left. never asking me for my number, i felt silly and confused at the same time. what did i possibly do wrong? we hit it off so insanely well! nonetheless, i got on with my life and came back the following day for another long shift of folding clothes. this time, i was situated in the back room, counting and tagging merchandise, without exposure to the outside world. all of a sudden one of the girls that works with me came back and said, 'hey, your friend is here to talk to you'. now, i have no friends that stop by my place of work out of the blue, so with a puzzled mind i asked her who it was. she replied that it was the guy that came in yesterday looking for the shirt and tie. my heart stopped, my face grew red and before i knew it i was slinking out onto the sales floor after my prince charming. 'so, i'm assuming you have a boyfriend' that's the first line that came out of his mouth when i greeted him. i quickly replied no, and with a shocked face he preceded to tell me how he felt so stupid for leaving without asking for my number, and thought about me the entire time at this wedding. feeling like a thousand butterflies were fluttering about my stomach, he asked to take me to dinner, and i excitedly gave my number and told him i would love that. it was love at first sight, and i was convinced i found the one.

from here on out, things grew beautifully between us. he called me immediately and asked me to dinner. took me to the most adorable tuscan restaurant, and texted me as soon as i got to my car telling me he had the best time and couldn't wait to do this again. i know it sounds crazy, but after that first date i was head over heels, madly in love with a stranger. he was my soulmate, and i had been searching for him for so long.

within the next month, we had a great time. laughed, kissed, grew to knew each other and our families. everything seemed to be too good to be true. and with that being said, it was. things between him and i moved so quickly it was kind of unreal. within two months, things started to go downhill really fast. he wouldn't commit. he begged me to meet his parents, invited me to a wedding that was two months away, and told me that i was the one he wanted to marry. he said i was so different and so perfect, he cannot believe how lucky he was to find me. but, with all this being said, he did not want me as his girlfriend.

i shrugged it off a couple of weeks, but it soon began to eat me away inside. what was wrong with me? why didn't he want me? what was I doing wrong? i became obsessed with trying to figure out what the issue was, and with him being two years younger than i, and a junior in college, i figured it was just his immature age. he kept telling me things just went too fast, and he needed time to think about what he wanted. i let him give me this excuse for a couple of weeks, and then after two and a half months, and countless tears later, i called it quits. here i was, completely in love, with someone who told me he wanted me forever as his wife, and he didn't want me.

sometimes things work out, and sometimes they don't. maybe his and my timing was just off. because i know what we had was unreal. now, i am just happy to have experienced such a feeling of admiration and love....what i learned was that..wonderful things can end, even quicker than they began.

Chủ Nhật, 11 tháng 12, 2011

Thứ Sáu, 9 tháng 12, 2011

i am not sure what love is

i am not sure what love is love photo love image, http://www.flickr.com/photos/sommerbrise/6385517469/sizes/m/in/photostream/
ph: sommerbrise

Sometimes I am not sure what love is. Sometimes I would find myself asking is this how love is suppose to feel?

There used to be days I was really sure what it is. Moment of first love that innocent fluttering feeling which comes out and lives within me with excitement made me confident this was probably was love was. Fresh and new and full of excitement. Then in the midst of smiles and laughter, tears came along..with anger and pain. What seem to me like it was everlasting love, flew out of the window in just a blink of an eye. Questions began to rise, isn't love suppose to be everlasting? or is it just a spur of the moment thing? Can you really lose love with time?

Second and third relationships ended up the same way. Things such as 'I felt love in the beginning, but somehow I lost it with you... you'd be better off with another better guy' became a common quote. Innocent image of love gets lost in the process. All you'd recall is just how 'love' doesn't last and that well maybe you just don't know what exactly love is.

Funny, how easy it is sometimes to forget all those happy moments you share with a person that you've build together for a period of time in just a blink of an eye... then later on only recall the pain which acts as the base for the defensive mechanism you unknowingly build around you. Sometimes I guess maybe I chose not to believe in love so I don't get hurt again.

I'm back again on the track but I am not sure what I am feeling is really love, or just a longing to be with someone, since I've seem to have a misconception. The image of love began to be blurry. What exactly it is begins to be uncertain. I doubt almost everything and just things flow, but I can't really feel like I am all there.

In the end I am still not sure.

Thứ Tư, 7 tháng 12, 2011

Thứ Ba, 6 tháng 12, 2011

"us"

us everything i could never tell you love quote love image love photo, http://weheartit.com/entry/19452456
ph: weheartit

I have a need. A need to write it down, to get my feelings on this paper so I have something that I can hold on to. Because I am confused, so very confused, wandering around a dark room not knowing why or how I ended up in it. Like a cliché. So many stories that I read are applicable to mine, but still I feel a need to write my own story down, a substitute is just not good enough.

How can you not see what everyone else is seeing?

How can you not feel anything?

How can you not care?

My friends and our mutual class mates ask me why we aren’t seeing each other, why we haven’t become a “we” – just you and me. Every time I lie and tell them there’s nothing, tell them they see something that doesn’t exist. But every time I do that, a small part of my heart burns away with an ache so deep I don’t know how to get by. You started out trying to be my friend and we were pretty good at it, those were our glory days. It’s sad, because I truly believe that we could be something more. I’m just not sure you see it, because you don’t seem to care or even give it the slightest thought. Even though your best friend came to me and told me that he had asked you why you didn’t just walk up to me and made us an “us” - just you and me. You’re not bothered by the fact that everyone around us gives us looks, you can’t even talk with me about it. I can’t talk to you about it. I’m too scared, I’m so very frightened that it would make you disappear completely out of my life. I don’t want that. I’d rather be your friend and have you around, hear your voice, see you act up. But every time I find out that you’ve been texting with someone else or if some other girl comes up to you and you’re joking and laughing, this black, huge monster wakes up inside me. I can’t bare it, I can’t handle it. I wish so bad that you could see what everyone else is seeing, be a man about it and confront me, grow up. I’m afraid my heart will shatter if this monster has to wake up too often, I’m also afraid my heart will shatter if you don’t talk to me at all. But for now, it seems to me, that’s the best solution. I’ll stay out of your way, try to keep my distance and maybe my monster will go to rest. All I have to care about after that is to recover from not being with you at all. I’ll collect the pieces of my heart and try to glue it together again.

Although still praying, hoping, for a miracle. For me to be brave, or you to take in the obvious.

They say the last thing that leaves a human being is hope. For good and bad.

~E

Thứ Hai, 5 tháng 12, 2011

Chủ Nhật, 4 tháng 12, 2011

to feel about him the way he feels about me

to feel about him the way he feels about me love image love photo, http://weheartit.com/entry/18506315/via/rixies
ph: weheartit

When the chance at a relationship fails, the closest the other person can get to you is being best friends... These words passed by me a few months ago and I hadn't taken much note of them until I realized what was going on. He calls me awake every morning, he sends me a good luck message before every single exam, he baked me brownies, he gave me roses, he constantly tells me I'm beautiful, he notices every little detail, he was there when my grandmother died, he was there when I was stressing about university admission, when we bicker he's always the first to apologize, he's respectful, he's honest, he adores my family, he adores me... So why can't I bring myself to feel about him the way he feels about me? I'm broken.

Thứ Sáu, 2 tháng 12, 2011

Thứ Năm, 1 tháng 12, 2011

this memory

Untitled
ph: stefanyalves

I had a dream of you one night and it took me back to the time we spent together. Though I hadn't known you for long I felt so excited about you. I am sad that we had such a short time together, two weeks to one month tops. I don't remember anymore, it feels like it was such a long time ago. I did not love you, obviously you can't fall in love with a person you don't know, but I liked you and would have wanted to get to know you better. I haven't thought about you for ages, honestly I forgot about you, but this dream took you back into my thoughts, though only for a spare second. I remember our first and at the same time last kiss, so dynamic, we knew we wouldn't see each other again for a long time. I remember the time after you left when we messaged each other from time to time with lots of "I miss you"s and "Hope we could meet again"s, but that stopped after a time. For a reason I assume, we were really not ever going to be anything more with so many miles and countries between us. I don't even know if I wanted it to be anything more, it was just fun at the time being and now I know for sure I wouldn't want to change the way it all ended up, because now I can think about this as for what it is - a good memory. The time we saw each other again was just a tease, we didn't know what to do with each other so we ended up just talking about everything, it was for the best. I know you're not the greatest guy nor boyfriend material, but I've never chosen the easy way or the easiest guy to be with. It's all about passion, personality and not doing what people tell you you should do. This is not a "confession of love" or anything like that, I see it more like an official goodbye and a reminder of this memory I have if I would forget again.
-J